This week I realized just how lax I have gotten in some of my prayers and it was a bit of a gut check. It happened during our family scripture study. We are nowhere near a model family but Come Follow Me for Individuals and Families has been awesome for us. Our kids have been great most of the time, and I love watching them get closer to their savior by learning the stories of the New Testament. That doesn’t mean that everything always goes smoothly. Some mornings they don’t want to get out of bed. Sometimes I don’t want to. There have been meltdowns because someone wanted to watch a video instead of reading, and there have been lots of fights about who gets to sit next to mom. I usually get the love seat all to myself.

On this particular morning I thought it went pretty well. We had a good discussion, everyone participated, and we even had a few laughs. When it was all over it was time to have family prayer. We knelt, and I tried to offer a heartfelt and sincere prayer for our little family. I thought it was a pretty good prayer. After the “amens” my son said, “uh dad, I think you missed some of the words.” I looked at my wife. She just shrugged, clearly as confused as I was. I asked him what words I missed. He said, “uh, did you even say, ‘we thank thee for this day’?” That’s when it hit me. My son thought I had said the prayer wrong because I hadn’t used those common repetitive everyday phrases that are far too common in my prayers. He thought they were mandatory.

I felt like my kids were learning how to pray by watching me climb up on my Rameumptom and recite the usual prayer phrases. I want to think that my prayers were still sincere, but they were certainly repetitive. Sometimes I would mix it up a little by changing which memorized phrases I used, but in the end, the result was the same; A prayer that took little thought to give, and probably had very little power to open the heavens. I have noticed my kids falling into this trap sometimes too. We try to offer a prayer before bed and they want to give thanks for the food and bless the food. Or they are so good at those common phrases that they can say them so fast that it sounds like gibberish. I remember an example that I heard in a Brad Wilcox talk. It was a story about a young man who was serving time in prison who prayed, “please bless those who couldn’t be here this week that they will be here next week.”

So how do we improve our prayers? How can I teach my children to speak to their father in Heaven and not just say a prayer? Let me share a story that gives me something to aspire to.

In 1991, the first Presidency asked the Asia Area Presidency to discreetly begin looking for a site to build a temple in Hong Kong. President Hinckley felt strongly that a temple was needed there, but time was running short. In 1997 the British colony of Hong Kong would be transferred back to the People’s Republic of China. The church already had a relationship with the existing government there, and It would be much simpler it the temple could be completed before that transfer took place.

For a little more than a year the search went on. They found several potential sites. Some sites were too small, and extremely expensive. Other sites were in locations that would not be convenient for those who would use the temple. On July 25th President Hinckley visited Hong Kong along with the managing director of the Church Physical Facilities Department to choose where the temple would be built. They met up with two members of the Area Presidency and visited six potential sites. Then they visited with four different stake presidents and shared their thoughts and concerns while asking for their perspectives and opinions. By the end of the day, they were exhausted from a long day, and seemed no closer to a decision. President Hinckley retired to his room and requested that they discuss it more in the morning.

When they arrived early the next morning, President Hinckley presented them with a white sheet of paper with a detailed drawing on it. During the night he had prayed, pleading for inspiration. Then he envisioned a concept that had never been done before; a building that would house the temple on the upper floors, and the mission offices, and other needed facilities on the lower levels. The existing chapel, mission home, and mission office would be demolished to make room for this new multipurpose Temple building.

After discussing this new option and the existing proposed sites, President Hinckley asked the brethren to join in prayer. Let me quote from Elder Brough and Elder Carmack’s account, “He asked if it would be all right if he offered the prayer. He then discussed the whole matter with the Lord. He talked of the need for a temple in China to bless the people in that area of the world. The prayer was powerful and compelling, evidencing his love for all the people of Asia.”

Imagine being in that room while the prophet “discussed the whole matter with the Lord.” I’ll bet he didn’t say, “we thank thee for this day” or any of the other common phrases that we might use in our prayers every day. He talked to a father that he had learned how to converse with. He explained everything, even though he knew that Heavenly Father already knew it. That kind of relationship takes time to build. But that doesn’t mean it is out of reach; it just means that we need to try and make each prayer a little better. That is the kind of prayers I want to offer and the kind of relationship I want to have with my Father in Heaven.

The second story I want to share is about the most memorable prayer that I have ever heard. I was a missionary at the time, and I had just been transferred to a new area and got a new companion, Elder Mark Beasley. I was excited. Elder Beasley and I had been serving in the same zone together, so I knew him, and we had already become friends. He was from Georgia, a country boy like me which made me feel right at home. As we walked, we would talk about everything from the gospel to cows, tractors, and how crazy city people were sometimes. Even in the spiritual messages we left we would often use some good ‘ol country wisdom to teach. We had a lot of fun together.

One other thing you need to know about Elder Beasley is that he wasn’t afraid to say exactly how he felt or to tell you what he thought. He was so sincere, even if he was telling someone that he thought they were being stupid. He didn’t say that to people often. But when he did, it was powerful because he was so straightforward it often made people just as frank in their responses and led to some very honest conversations.

Before we had become companions, he had been a trainer to a new missionary. He wanted to set a good example, so he had resolved to be as obedient as possible to show this Elder that hard work and obedience led to blessings. After weeks of work they didn’t have anything tangible to show for their work. The slump seemed to continue after I got to the area. We worked hard, and we were obedient to the rules, but we still didn’t have anyone to teach. I remember talking one day when in frustration he told me that he had never had so little teaching work on his mission. He wasn’t doubting, but he just honestly wondered what else we could do.

One night as we knelt down to pray together he offered a prayer that I can still remember. It wasn’t a grand display. It didn’t last all day and all night and it didn’t make the ground shake, but I will never forget it. In the middle of the prayer he said, “please help those prepared to hear the Gospel to find us since we are too stupid to find them ourselves.” I almost burst out laughing because it caught me off guard.

Now let me make be clear on what this prayer was not. It was not a prayer about giving up or asking the Lord to do our work for us. We woke up the next morning and worked just as hard or harder than we had the day before. This wasn’t a prayer given to try to catch me off guard and make me laugh. It was not a disrespectful prayer. It probably wouldn’t have been appropriate for a sacrament meeting, and I am sure if someone else had heard it there would be some who might have been offended. But they didn’t know him as well as I did. This was a son pouring out the honest and sincere feelings of his heart to his Father. Elder Beasley spoke just like God was in the room with us. He spoke straight from his heart and didn’t hold anything back.

That prayer changed the way I prayed. For the rest of our time together we just opened our hearts and spoke with our Father. The good and the bad.

So how do we improve our prayers? Where do we start? Let me share a few ideas from an Ensign article by Mary Jane Woodger.

1. Prepare for Prayer.

Sometimes I get to the end of a busy day, and I just want to crawl into bed when I remember that I still need to pray. Usually, I end up rushing through a prayer like that. But sometimes I try to take time before I pray to think about it. President Gordon B. Hinckley has said, “We need to meditate, contemplate, [and] think of what we are praying about and for.”

2. Express Sincere Gratitude.

Along with thinking about what we are going to pray for we should consider, what am I truly grateful for? Am I thankful for this day? Or am I just grateful that at least I didn’t start on fire? I may not be thankful that I didn’t get a particular task completed, but I can be grateful for the little bit that I did get done. I think my Heavenly Father would appreciate hearing that more than an insincere repetitive phrase.

3. Pray Fervently.

I think a big part of this is being honest in our prayers. Tell your Father in Heaven how you honestly feel. It’s okay to say, “I feel lost,” “I’m scared,” or “I haven’t got a clue.” Admit your weaknesses. I mean really honestly admit them. Sometimes we have a person, or a show on Netflix, or a favorite sin that we don’t want to give up. Tell Him that. Then tell him that the blessings you are seeking are worth more to you than that thing you don’t want to give up. Can you feel how much more powerful that could be?

4. Pray in Specifics

Those repetitive prayer phrases are so widely used because they are so general that they could appear in almost any prayer; but because they are so vague, they also have nearly no real meaning. Pray about the specific things you are grateful for. Pray for the distinct blessings you feel you need. Pray about people by name and in their specific circumstances. You will find your prayers are much less repetitive and far more powerful when you are as specific as you can be.

Prayer is a very personal thing. No one can or should judge anyone else on the quality of their prayer. We can’t know their heart. The only heart we truly do know is our own. If you really want to improve your prayers, look inside yourself and decide if you are really praying to your Heavenly Father, or just saying prayers.

I don’t know if that prayer was a memorable one for Elder Beasley or not. But I think about it all the time. It reminds me to be sincere and honest in my prayers. I hope one day I will be able to pray like President Hinckley consistently, but for now, I want to do better each day to make my prayers as sincere as I can. I want my kids to know that they can have that kind of relationship with their Father in Heaven. I know they can, and so can I.