In the summer of 1999 I was at Especially For Youth (EFY) in Calgary Alberta. I was lucky enough to have that opportunity, and to be there with some of my closest friends. I don’t remember a lot of the specific details of that week, but I do remember what a great experience it was. Plus I got a free CD!  Little did I know that a song from that CD would be such a big spiritual kick in the backside to me years later. Let me give you some context.

When I left High School, I had no idea what I wanted to “be”. Some of my friends were more forward-thinking than me and were already registered for University.  I remember asking one particular friend what she wanted to be. She replied that she was going to be a teacher. I remember responding something along the lines of, “HAHAHAHA Why in the world would you do that? We just got through 13 years of school”. I think it mostly had to do with the fact that I couldn’t imagine dealing with a classroom full of students like me and my classmates. It wasn’t until I was on my mission that I realized how much I really enjoyed teaching and learning. I guess I wanted to be a teacher too. Specifically, I wanted to be a seminary and institute teacher. It seemed like a perfect fit. Once I got home from my mission and began university though my plans slowly changed. It was a combination of things. There was the fact that seminary teachers at the time were moved around quite frequently and I kinda wanted to put down roots and settle down somewhere. There was the fact that there are very few seminary teacher jobs in Canada to compete for and I might not get one anyway. And then there was the serious girlfriend at the time who had her own misgivings about me seeking a career in the church educational system. After a while, I decided to become a high school teacher instead. But I wasn’t giving up on my dream, I would just have to find another way to do it. I could still teach in my callings in the church. Maybe I could be an EFY speaker one day, or maybe I would write a book. But I still knew that I wanted to do something.

Well, the years passed. I got married to a different girl (a story for another time… or maybe a few stories), graduated from university, got a job teaching high school science, and we started a family. Life got busy. I thought of my goals many times, but I always thought to myself, “ya that will be awesome one day”. Once or twice I thought about how I would do it, and what talks or books I might write, and then I would put it aside again. Finally, this past year I decided it was time. I sat down at my computer. I looked up the EFY website. I looked up the speaker requirements, the application deadlines, all of it. Then I sent an email to ask for more information. I got back this response, “You would have to be a U.S. citizen in order to be hired to speak at EFY”. I… was… crushed! They had made a change to EFY in recent years and now they no longer had Canadian sessions or hired Canadians to work for them. I felt lost. I still had this desire to teach but now I wasn’t sure what to do with it. So, I went searching for answers. I prayed. I read my patriarchal blessing. I reached out to some of the people that I looked up to for advice. I visited the temple. I listened to the last general conference sessions again. Over and over I felt one of two things, and sometimes both. Peace and discontentment. Are you confused? So was I. It seemed contradictory until I realized that the feeling was so similar to how I often feel when I feel the spirit. I feel great, I feel peaceful, I feel joy, but I also feel like I need to improve, or do more.

So, I decided to keep moving forward. I didn’t know where I was headed but I kept going anyway. The process made me more aware of what I can do to be better myself. I’m trying to be better in my prayers, my scripture study, family home evenings. There has been a lot of great moments, and a lot of really tough ones. I struggled (and still struggle) with doubt. I started to really wonder why I would have ever thought that I could be a speaker or author or whatever that anyone would care to listen to. It would be so much easier to just forget about the whole thing and move on with life. It was a missed opportunity. That wouldn’t be so bad, would it? But that feeling was still there even on the days I that I wished it wasn’t. So I kept going. This past Sunday, I was sitting in church during the sacrament and something really struck me. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is not about making us as strong or talented or as able as we can be. It is about making us as much as HE can make us. Just as powerful, just as compassionate, just as perfect as He is. Whatever we need he can help us to achieve. Then I thought of this line from a Kenneth Cope song on that EFY album from so many years ago, “His power is real, it moves me until I will not be still”. I WILL NOT BE STILL. I hadn’t thought of it that way before but that is what I had been doing for the past several months. All the spiritual experiences and little inspirations were guiding me to do a little better. Not because of me and my goals, but because His power is real, so I have to be doing… something.

So here I go. I don’t know where this journey will end, or where it will take me. I am open to wherever the Lord wants to lead me. I just know I am supposed to DO something. Maybe I will write some talks. Maybe someone will want to hear them one day. Or not. Maybe I will write a book. Maybe nobody will want to publish it, and even if they do, maybe nobody will want to read it. Maybe I will write some of my thoughts on a blog that most people won’t want to read. Maybe I really have no idea what I am doing. Yah, I think that last one feels most like me. I am sure it’s going to be a rocky ride at times. If you want to be a part of it with me, I would love for you to stick around. Maybe one day I will share something that will help you, or that you might want to share with someone else. Maybe all of this will just be for me. That’s fine too. But one thing that I know from experience is that spiritual kicks in the butt feel a lot better when you are already moving forward.